Don't get lost in your own Wonderland.
Today you asked me what I thought about you and I couldn’t answer honestly because of the context of that moment. So here is what I see:
You are a vey damaged person. But It is beautiful. I see the cuts that are on you but I see them healing and turning into scars. But we need those beautiful burning scars to remind us what we know, what we lost and what we learned. Without those reminders we can never keep going and growing. I say you have an ego and you tell me it is a guise but I know. You like to think you are hard to read but that might be because people are not looking intently, often or deep enough. You tell me you are fine at times but I see the moments when your face and posture change to signify that you are not. I know because I am also damaged. That is another story for another day. But yes, I understand heart break. It almost killed me.
I feel sad that you worry about me walking out on you. I have had really bad and toxic people in my life before and not even then have I ever walked out on them. I’ve had a friend tell me to date her ex of over a year (which i had asked if it was ok if i liked him because if not i choose her) only to have her been hooking up with him the entire time behind my back. I later got her a job.
I have had male friends verbally harass me to the point where I am afraid and crying for days. I have had a male friend get rough with me and i brushed it off.
I have had a friend tell me he no longer wanted me because he felt I took up too much time leaving none for his overbearing girlfriend. I later spent a night waiting for 3 hours for him to call me because he was in an argument with his girlfriend. He never called but I waited. I have lied to a then best friend to let her be with the boy i had been in love with for over 2 years.
So no. I don’t walk out on people.
Some relationships are extremely toxic and yes I should learn to walk away from those but that isn’t who I am. Nor’ is this a toxic friendship
If I tell you I love you. I mean it. I love every single friend that I have and it is a strong love.
There is a Chinese saying that no one is born evil. It is the things that happen to us that make us evil. Momma Kwong always says this to me as a reminder to be good to people. The people who can do the most evil, I think just need more love. Maybe they just need a hug. I think we just need hugs sometimes.
I heard a story from my friend once about how he had learned one of his friends had an eating disorder. And he told her he would pray for her and she told him not to. This beautiful friend of mine that I had never once seen angry told this girl “Don’t You DARE tell me i can’t pray for you”. And suddenly it all made sense. Sometimes we do crazy things like making out with our friends to feel something or to forget, we take drugs, smoke, and throw up over toilets but the greatest test we go through is the test of friendship. Who sticks around for everything?
So I am so sorry for making you cry yesterday and I am happy that you have begun to make peace with it but it is ok to cry sometimes. We are human. But know that I am always here for you. If you need physical favours to forget the emotional pain then fine. I have no qualms. If you need someone to snuggle with and be quiet, we can do that too. If you want to go grab lunch and goof off alright. I am down. If you want to write music We can do that too. If you simply want a companion I will be there. We don’t even need to talk. If you are studying at home and feel lonely, we can skype study, sometimes it is comforting to have someone be there. When i was in Taiwan I learned that the people who love you will always make time for you. So yes babe, I would make time for you. Yeah, sometimes we detox our lives of certain friends but I think it’s because our friends or loves didn’t know how to appreciate us. You’re right, I do respect you and care for you very much.
I don’t have perfect eye sight but I see you boo. I let you rant because I think you just need to say it more for you than me. Sometimes I cut you off for me not you. You are a beautiful person, you just never believe it because you are too busy fighting some demons inside.
It takes a damaged person to see another.
But you are a loving person. A caring person and an amazing friend. It’s hard sometimes to see your face in the mirror and really believe that person staring back is a genuinely beautiful person, but you are.
That’s a good question, I like my natural summer look as much as my dramatic Gyaru look. But I think I’d go with my CL inspired look.
Because I rarely ever get to see my upperliner visible, I liked that I could in this particular look. And the bottom liner was also unique and is just generally my favourite because of the way I lined my eyes. It was as close to a transformation of a celebrity look as well. It was an extremely dramatic eye look, with nude lips and lightly blushed cheeks. If only I had a blonde wig that time~
Favorite movies: The Great Gatsby (2013)
"Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther… And one fine morning - So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."
In the exam:
Pretty much everyday at UofT:
"Hey guys, whatcha doin?"-"Sshhhhhhh"
My four year old shetland sheepdog, Yatzy